Three Common Mistakes That Can Undermine Long-Term Relationships

There are three common pitfalls in romantic relationships:

1. Constantly making sacrifices, believing that giving more will lead to more love.
2. Insisting on being your authentic self without considering whether your partner can accept it.
3. Trying to solve every problem through conversation.

Falling in love may be easy, but living together is much harder. Maintaining a long-term relationship takes considerable effort, especially over the course of many years.

Some people end their relationships when they become too exhausted, choosing to cut their losses before things get worse. Others work tirelessly to keep their love alive, only to find that the relationship does not improve. In fact, the harder they try, the more resistant their partners become, and the more problems seem to arise. The result is often deep frustration.

The truth is that we sometimes fall into misconceptions about relationships. When our efforts are directed toward the wrong goals, the results are unlikely to be positive.

In this section, we will explore three common mistakes people make when trying to maintain long-term relationships and discuss what might work better.

Mistake #1: Constantly Giving, Believing That Sacrifice Will Bring Love

We often mistakenly believe that giving more in a relationship is always a good thing: the better I treat you, the more likely you are to stay with me.

However, giving and self-sacrifice are not the same thing.

American sociologists have identified two criteria for understanding a sense of sacrifice. The first is self-sacrifice: being willing to give up one’s own needs for the sake of another person. The second is unconditional support: when two people disagree about something, always putting the other person’s interests first and supporting them unconditionally because you believe they are more important than you are.

Traditional ideas about love encourage people to give and sacrifice. In the past, women were expected to be especially selfless, whether they were wives, mothers, or daughters-in-law.

Why were giving and sacrifice considered so important in traditional relationships? Because women were expected to be caregivers, responsible for looking after their husbands, children, and parents-in-law.

Being a caregiver is exhausting. Whether someone is considered a good caregiver often depends less on the actual work they do and more on the condition or satisfaction of the people receiving their care. As a result, caregivers frequently struggle to feel a sense of accomplishment.

So how were they encouraged to keep going?

Traditional society treated selfless devotion and sacrifice as virtues and rewarded women with social recognition and praise.

One of the most extreme examples was the erection of memorials honoring chaste and virtuous widows who were praised for suppressing their personal desires and devoting their entire lives to others, sometimes even to people who had already passed away.

It is important to emphasize that generosity and sacrifice can certainly reflect the better aspects of human nature. The problem arises when people devote themselves to others so completely that they suppress almost every part of themselves.

Psychology distinguishes among three aspects of the self: the id, the ego, and the superego.

The id represents our instinctive desires. It wants good food, avoids hard work, and seeks immediate pleasure. In simple terms, it follows the pleasure principle.

The ego regulates the id. It reminds us that we cannot simply indulge every desire. For example, if we keep eating too much, we may gain weight, so we need to exercise.

The superego, by contrast, encourages us to look beyond our own interests and prioritize others, even when doing so requires personal sacrifice.

In a psychologically balanced person, these three aspects of the self work together. However, traditional relationship expectations often encourage people to strengthen the superego while suppressing the id and the ego. Over time, this imbalance can leave people feeling emotionally constrained, overwhelmed, or even depressed.

When someone has an especially strong sense of duty and self-sacrifice, three common problems can emerge.

Problem 1: What You Give May Not Be What the Other Person Wants

People who are strongly driven by their superego may give others things that those people do not actually want.

The boundary between care and control is not always clear. Something may feel caring when we need it, but controlling when we do not.

An overly dominant superego can suppress not only our own desires and sense of self but also blur the boundaries between ourselves and others. We may begin to treat two separate individuals as though they were a single entity, assuming that what we believe is best for someone must also be what they need.

Parents with a strong sense of duty often interfere with their children’s development of independence and suppress their children’s ability to enjoy life on their own terms. This is also a common source of conflict in parent-child relationships today.

Consider the example of choosing a job. You may want a position that allows you to use your professional skills, but your parents insist that you should find something stable instead. They may enthusiastically use their connections, reach out to acquaintances, and invest considerable time and effort in finding you a job.

Yet you are not grateful. You do not want the job they have found, and your parents become angry.

The same thing can happen when parents pressure you to find a partner, get married, or have children. They may mobilize relatives and friends to introduce potential partners, only to become upset when you refuse to meet them or pursue a relationship.

In these situations, parents are genuinely trying to help, at least according to their own understanding of what is best. But when their help is unwanted, their children may feel controlled, causing the conflict to grow.

Problem 2: Do People Who Constantly Give Really Expect Nothing in Return?

On the surface, people who give a great deal may claim that they expect nothing in return. But is that really true?

Not necessarily.

They may not expect money or an equivalent amount of work in return, but they often want their efforts to be noticed and appreciated. When their sacrifices go unrecognized or unacknowledged, they may become deeply frustrated or angry.

Consider a familiar example.

A wife prepares an elaborate dinner for her husband and waits for him to come home and eat with her. However, her husband is busy with work and does not return until midnight, by which time the food has gone cold.

The wife becomes upset and starts complaining. She insists that he must come home earlier next time or, at the very least, let her know in advance if he will be late.

Her husband finds the complaints irritating and responds impatiently:

“I’m working outside the home, and I can’t always predict when I’ll be back. Just stop saving food for me.”

The couple then starts arguing.

What the wife is really upset about is not simply how much effort it took to prepare dinner. Nor is she asking her husband to cook for her in return. What she wants is for him to recognize her effort. That recognition is the emotional reward she is seeking.

Unfortunately, this need often goes unmet, leading to repeated conflicts between couples.

The more a person gives, the greater their disappointment may become when their efforts are not appreciated.

Problem 3: People Who Give Too Much May Struggle to Accept Other People’s Kindness

People with a strong sense of duty and self-sacrifice may also find it difficult to accept help or generosity from others.

Suppose you want to give something back to a person who has always sacrificed for you. You might give your mother some money or try to do more for her in return, only to discover that she refuses your help.

Why?

Didn’t she want her efforts to be recognized and appreciated? Why, then, is she unhappy when you offer something in return?

The reason is that traditional self-sacrifice is often defined by the absence of an expectation of equivalent compensation. If the person receiving the sacrifice repays it with an equivalent amount of effort or material support, the giver may feel that the virtue of their selflessness is no longer being recognized in the same way.

Look closely at people around you who have a particularly strong tendency to sacrifice for others, and you may notice that your attempts to reciprocate often seem to mean very little to them.

Whatever you do, they may find a way to belittle it. You might bring someone a bouquet of flowers, only to hear:

“What does that even mean? Do you think a bouquet of flowers can make up for all the love I’ve given you?”

This dynamic can help explain why some mothers and wives seem perpetually anxious, dissatisfied, and prone to nagging.

A strong sense of sacrifice can therefore become one of the most destructive forces in a long-term relationship.

On the one hand, the person receiving the sacrifices may feel deeply guilty. On the other, the person making them may become increasingly resentful. This cycle can repeat itself over and over, sometimes leaving both people feeling trapped in a moral dilemma: whether they accept the sacrifices or reject them, they still feel as though they are doing something wrong.

So how can we change this pattern of thinking?

Here are a few ideas that may help.

How to Change Your Approach to Giving and Sacrifice

First, if you are someone who tends to sacrifice too much, try to make room for your own desires and sense of self. Learn to accept kindness from others and recognize that many of your own needs are perfectly legitimate.

Allow yourself to enjoy life a little more. Doing so can also make life easier for the people around you. A happy wife, for example, may be more enjoyable to live with than one who works tirelessly but constantly complains.

You can also try shifting from self-sacrifice to genuine giving.

There is a fundamental difference between the two.

When we give freely, we feel happy. The act itself brings us joy. Self-sacrifice, by contrast, involves giving up our own interests in ways that leave us feeling uncomfortable or deprived.

If something requires a great deal of sacrifice and makes you deeply unhappy, consider whether you really need to do it. The world will not stop turning simply because you choose to stop doing certain things.

Whenever possible, focus on doing things that bring you joy in the act of giving itself. Learning to be happy yourself is an important first step.

Finally, learn to trust other people. Believe that every adult is capable of taking care of themselves, even if you do not entirely agree with the way they choose to do so.

And if you have someone in your life who constantly makes sacrifices for you, do not dismiss their efforts or tell them that what they do is meaningless. Such responses can be deeply hurtful.

Instead, start by acknowledging their efforts and expressing your gratitude. Then gently explain that you would appreciate a different kind of support.

For example, in the dinner scenario described earlier, the husband should first acknowledge the effort his wife put into preparing the meal. He could then explain:

“I really appreciate the effort you put into making dinner for me. But I would feel even happier if I could lie on the sofa and relax for half an hour when I get home.”

Second, we need to change the way we talk about self-sacrifice and encourage people to embrace a new idea: taking care of yourself is also an important form of giving.

For example, I often thank my parents for taking care of their own health. When they stay healthy, it saves me a great deal of worry and difficulty.

This gives people who are accustomed to putting others first a legitimate reason to feel comfortable taking care of themselves, too.

In a long-term relationship, we need to find ways to adjust to one another. The process may take a long time, but I have always believed that the people we love are not perfect. They all have their own problems and shortcomings.

Yet because we love each other, we are willing to make an effort to help one another feel more comfortable and to build a relationship in which both people can feel happier and more at ease.

Mistake #2: Insisting on Being Your Authentic Self Without Considering Whether Your Partner Can Accept It

The second mistake is almost the opposite of the first.

Younger generations often feel that their parents’ generation sacrificed too much in relationships and lost their sense of self in the process. As a result, they tend to place a much stronger emphasis on authenticity in their own romantic relationships.

They believe that their partners should accept them for who they truly are.