That sharp exhale when you try to bring up a concern. The eye roll that’s so minor that you wonder whether it occurred at all. The sarcastic remark in the form of a comment made to seem like a joke but manages to leave a bruise. If any of this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing contempt in relationships.
According to Dr. John Gottman, whose research has tracked thousands of couples over decades, it’s the single strongest predictor of divorce.
But here is the fact that I wish you to hold onto: contempt can be unlearned. Let’s talk about what it actually looks like, why it does so much damage, and how you start pulling back from it.
What Is Contempt in Relationships? (Beyond the Eye Roll)
So what exactly is contempt in relationships? It’s more than frustration or anger. It is a habit, verbal or non-verbal, that expresses disgust and superiority to your partner.
Contempt is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse of toxic communication patterns that were found by Dr. John Gottman that doom couples. The other three are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And contempt is widely considered the worst of the four.
When you talk contemptuously, it is not simply, I am angry about what you did. It is a much more personal assault: I am superior to you, and you are inferior to me. It strikes at the very self of your partner, not only his or her acts.
Common Examples of Contempt in Relationships (That You Might Miss)
Because contempt can be sneaky, it helps to see what it actually looks like day-to-day. Some of these might surprise you:
- Eye-rolling, sneering, or mocking: It’s a nonverbal way of saying ‘I don’t respect you’ — without saying a word. Your mouth doesn’t have to betray you; your face does.
- Stinging sarcasm: Sarcasm aimed at your partner’s flaws — even in a joking tone — lands as a personal attack. (‘Oh sure, you’re always so punctual.’)
- Name-calling or belittling: This one is directed at the very person that your partner is, and not even what they did. Words like ‘idiot,’ ‘lazy,’ or ‘pathetic’ are obvious red flags.
- Unfriendly jokes and mocking: parodying your partner either through voice or gesture is a way of disdain. Even when put in a laugh, it is cruel.
- Rude or scoffing tone: Talking in a manner that suggests that you are smarter, more mature, or that you are simply over it when it comes to communicating. Phrases like ‘Whatever’ or ‘You’re so dramatic’ fall into this category.
- Weaponizing the past: Raising old errors in the name of making a point rather than addressing the present problem. Like saying, ‘Just like you forgot our anniversary. You’re never thoughtful.
Contempt in relationships can feel like “checkmate” in an argument. Once it enters a conversation, it becomes almost impossible to solve anything constructively — and over time, it quietly erodes the emotional safety every relationship needs.
Why Contempt in Relationships Is So Damaging (It’s Not Just Emotional)
So why is contempt so destructive? Decades of research give us a pretty clear answer.
The research of Dr. Gottman established that contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen and the single most important predictor of divorce. Indeed, his work is able to anticipate divorce with a higher accuracy of above 90 percent just by detecting the existence of contempt. It is so poisonous that the couples who look down upon each other will actually have a higher chance of being infected by diseases such as cold and flu than those who do not.
Contempt in relationships acts like acid on love. It damages the psychological, emotional, and physical fabric of a partnership — because at its core, it communicates disgust. Once a partner becomes convinced you find them repulsive, it’s extremely difficult to come back from that.
Although it can feel like contempt comes out of nowhere, it usually builds up over years of unspoken resentment. If one partner feels unheard or underappreciated‚ contempt can crop up as a destructive way of feeling better and protecting oneself. The instinct to respond with contempt may feel good in the moment‚ but it exacts an emotional toll.
How to Stop Contempt in Relationships: 5 Actionable Steps to Rebuild Respect
Here’s the good news: contempt isn’t permanent. These patterns shift with awareness and real effort. Dr. Gottman and his team have identified specific antidotes to contempt. If you’re ready to shift things, start here.
1. Build a Culture of Appreciation (The 5:1 Ratio)
The most powerful long-term antidote to contempt in relationships is building a “culture of appreciation.” Gottman’s research found that stable, happy couples average five positive interactions for every one negative one.
Start small. Each day, say one real thing you appreciate about your partner. It does not need to be very big; it can be as simple as, “Thank you for making coffee this morning,” or “I really admired how patient you were with our child today.” This habit will eventually reprogram your brain to view your partner as an ally as opposed to an adversary. You are just establishing a goodwill bank account.
2. Express Your Feelings and Needs, Not Attacks (Use “I” Statements)
When you’re frustrated, resist the pull toward sarcasm or a cutting remark. Instead, try speaking from your own experience using “I” statements.
As an example, rather than telling them, “you are so lazy, you never help around here” (this can easily turn into contempt), one may say, “I am so overwhelmed with the housework, and I need some help. Is it possible to discuss the division of things more evenly?”
That one shift moves the conversation away from blame and toward connection. You’re not calling them a bad person — you’re just saying what’s true for you. That invites empathy instead of defensiveness.
3. Practice Genuine Curiosity (Replace Judgment with Wonder)
When you feel contempt rising, pause and get curious. Ask yourself: What is my partner really feeling right now? What need are they trying to express? What’s happening in their world that I can’t see?
Listening to understand — instead of listening to win — changes the dynamic. In our humanity, according to Julie Gottman, “we simply require loving connection with others to survive.” The contempt should be substituted with empathy, and it is like substituting a poison with a medicine. The next time you want to roll your eyes, try saying instead, “Help me understand where you’re coming from.”
4. Hit Pause and Soften Your Start-Up
If you notice yourself about to roll your eyes or deliver a sarcastic jab, take a breath. Walk away if you need to, but say so kindly: “I need a few minutes to calm down so I don’t say something I regret. Can we come back to this in 20 minutes?”
Then, come back with what Gottman calls a “gentle start-up.” Use words that invite connection rather than shutting it down. A gentle start-up might sound like: “Hey, I’m feeling a little hurt about something. Is now a good time to talk?” or “I miss feeling close to you. Can we spend some time together tonight?”
These small changes create emotional safety, which is the foundation for rebuilding respect.
5. Look for the Positive Intent (Even When It’s Hard)
Most people don’t wake up wanting to hurt their partner. When contempt starts coloring everything your partner does, try to pause and look for a more generous explanation. Perhaps, they did not remember to take the garbage, not because they are lazy, but because they were too tired to take the trash after work. Maybe they were late not because they don’t care, but because they got stuck trying to handle something for the family.
This isn’t about making excuses. It’s about giving them the same benefit of the doubt you’d want for yourself.
Your Relationship Can Heal
When you see contempt in your relationship, you are not alone, so do not despair. I have witnessed people returning to this place as couples. It takes honesty, humility, and a genuine will to change — but it’s absolutely possible to come back from it.
The first step is simply admitting that contempt has crept in. The second is deciding to communicate differently.
If contempt has crept into your relationship, it’s not too late to turn things around, but it often helps to have guidance. A skilled therapist can help you identify these patterns and teach you the specific skills to replace contempt with genuine connection.